Top 10 Intrusive Thoughts During my Devastating Cardio Boxing Workout

By David R. Wheeler, Editor

10. I can’t do this. This hurts. I’m going to collapse. Not just collapse. But also curl up. Right under the punching bag. If I curl up into a fetal position, I’ll feel better. Don’t think about it. Just do it. Curl up. The curling up is just as important as the lying down. Nobody at the gym will judge you.

9. My body is rejecting this workout. I think I’m going to cry. If I cry, I’ll feel better. How will they know I’m not crying over something real? How will they know I’m not crying over the 2016 election? Maybe they won’t think I’m crying at all. Maybe my facial contortions will appear to be laughter. Maybe they’ll think I’m remembering a line from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend or Last Man on Earth.

8. What if free will is just an illusion?

7. Every female in the gym is a better boxer than I am.

6. Am I a worthless, sexist male for expecting to be better at boxing than women? This antiquated mindset, this lowered expectation, is part of the reason women don’t get equal pay for equal work. I’m part of the problem.

5. I’ll never lose these extra pounds.

4. Pounds is a funny word. Remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign?

3. What if the only way to beat the robots is to actually merge with them and become a cyborg?

2. Why do some people insist on using an apostrophe to make a noun plural?

1. Why can I think of only nine intrusive thoughts for my list? Why does everybody else have 10?

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